The past weeks have been rough, shaky and extremely difficult for me. I’ve been out of my normal routine, my schedule is supposedly full but I didn’t bother to look at my planner. I did not respond to any email and I didn’t confirm attendance to any event. And while I feel like I have to do things in order to move forward, I decided to just stay at home and do only what’s required by my body – eat, sleep, eat. Well, maybe not exactly. Classes also started a week ago so even if I’m not on it yet, I’ve spent my Monday and Wednesday afternoons in school, meeting people for shop orders and reading some random stuff in between.
CHANGES. There have been lots of changes in my realm and while my zeal is normally always outpouring, the magic of positivity was not just there, at least during that time. I thought I was ready for anything except for change.
People close to me know that I’m not so much of a risk-taker. I mean, I’ve done several big decisions in the past, some of them I regret, some I’m really very proud of. Like when I left my 8-5 job to run a business or when I decided to put up this blog, I know I took the right challenge. But in general, the word “change” freaks me out. I don’t like the idea of uncertainty, the idea of leaving the status quo and moving to something that is unsure.
But as they say it, change is inevitable. The earth is constantly rotating. People change, relationships end, situations differ and struggles will just pour in, whether we like it or not. And the drill? We just have to keep moving.
This week, I am celebrating my blog’s first anniversary and while a huge giveaway sounds great, I decided to write something more personal. I decided to share what I’ve learned so far, in the hopes of inspiring people to trust God and never stop moving towards their main goal, even if things don’t go as planned.
I WAS BROKEN. I WAS LOST.
Weeks ago, I realised that my finances have been going overboard. My business has been struggling and my freelance stints aren’t sufficient enough to support all our expenses. I’ve misused some of my savings for some unworthy stuff – new bags, new clothes, new shoes. I forgot the things that really matter – insurance, bills, amortisation payments. You know adulting really sucks but for a 27 year old woman like me, it’s a way of life and I hate how I took things for granted.
Weeks ago, I got so fed up with social media. The curation of ones feed, the pressure of earning thousand of likes, the competition of signing brand deals and the whole idea of “online influence” stabbed me. Like you’re not in if you didn’t get that invite or you’re just a mediocre blogger if you’re not part of this campaign. It’s a gross thing, I know. I find it so hard to keep up with the game and so I was on an Instagram and blog hiatus for a while.
Weeks ago, I ended my almost 4-year relationship with my (now) ex. This is probably the toughest momentum of this period. You know that feeling when you’ve planned the rest of your life with a certain person and suddenly, the whole thing falls apart? For a moment, all these thoughts came in – I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I wasn’t special enough. I’m not worth anything. I’ll never meet anyone. I’ll never find love. I’m going to die alone. No one cares about me. I was down and nothing, even with all these efforts from mom, made me feel better.
But I had to fake it. Not for myself, but for all the people who trust me and who believe in me.
And so I did.
A few days ago I dropped by NBS to buy some stuff for school and a book caught my attention. It’s a book I’ve known all my life but I must admit I was not able to understand every bit of it. I flipped through the sheets and my eyes landed on this page and this very line:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11
And suddenly, my heart felt lighter.
It gave me hope. It made me feel better. It made me believe in the plans the Lord has set for me. All this time pala, I was trying to do things in my own pace. I was trying so hard to fit in, trying so hard to stay in a relationship that’s not healthy for me.
I’ve acknowledged that the hardships I’ve been through is part of God’s working in my life and the best thing for me to do is to trust the process and restart things the way He wanted it to flow. So I’ve cleaned my room, fixed my planner and disposed stuff that will hinder me from growing. I’ve rewritten my plans and I started reading His book again. And every day, my prayers are specific.
Today, I am excited to face life. The thought of meeting new people, taking more opportunities, going to new places, making new friends, trying out new things and falling in love again thrills me. I didn’t expect it to be this fast. I guess, when you’ve lifted everything to Him, He’ll surely take charge ASAP.
So to all my friends (and readers), I hope you’ll find God in all your struggles and hardships. Don’t be afraid of change. Remember that He has an amazing plan for your life. So, set boundaries, take care of yourself, and lean on Him. Trust me, I know you’re going to make it.
“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near.” —Isaiah 55:6 (ESV)