Random Prolix: Trail of Unhappy Thoughts

I had a great time last night. I went to a friend’s birthday party and I demolished my goody goody plan of just getting a glass of wine because yes, I ended up drinking a gallon. It was good though. I danced and mingled with everybody like it’s my own party (it’ll be my birthday on Monday too so why not). I don’t really know how I managed to get home. All I can remember is the face of my Grab driver who’s so pissed because I threw up inside his car, tons of times. 

I woke up today with the hangover burden. Not only that. I still have one contact lens on (don’t really know what happened to the other piece), one earring, a bruised left leg and a stained bedsheet. I  also realised that I drunk text-call a lot of people. Shame shame. It’s been a while since I reached that level of intoxication and my tita self can’t bear it, obviously. 

I had to stay in bed for long because I can’t get up. I tried. I ended up puking all over the place. Gross. 

So I just stared at the blank ceiling while sweating profusely because f*cking AC isn’t working. 

I closed my eyes. All I can hear is the winding sound of my dirty, old fan which I haven’t really touched since I transferred to my place. And then, everything dawned on me. 

F*ck Shaira. You’re getting old. And you’re not happy.

Today, I missed my preschool class because I’m that irresponsible. F*ck me. 

I got shit tons of backlog works and a whole yard of things to do but I haven’t started with any. 

I realised how badly I’ve managed my life. I have a pending MA degree and I don’t even know how to get it done. I juggle 6 jobs but I don’t feel like I’m performing hundred percent. 

At 28, I’ve sold some of my properties which I worked hard for when I was younger, lost a bunch of my freelance clients and wasted a lot of time with men who can’t even commit to me. 

I’m not good at anything — not at any sport or art. I workout but my slow progress kinda frustrates me, I ended up cheating the entire week. 

I failed people, lots of times. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost a lot of things and today, 2 days before I turn 29, I know that I am not happy. I’m not pretty. I’m not smart. I’m not strong — these words come to me like drops of rain, hitting me everywhere. 

I feel lost. I’m a freakin social media star and all you can see is a shallow facet of what I really am and what I really do. I curate photos to impress people and make them believe that HELLO I’M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE when I’m actually struggling down there. I struggle every day, yes. And today, I don’t know where to draw strength anymore. 

I texted two close friends and told them I can’t fight today’s sadness. To survive this day is a tough challenge. But I will try. Just like the old times.