What Jiu Jitsu Taught Me About Surviving Abuse

*A Women’s Month reflection*

No one really talks about their abuse.

Not openly. Not comfortably. Most of the time, these stories stay quiet, tucked away in memories people would rather not revisit. Survivors move forward, build careers, start families, chase dreams, and from the outside everything looks normal.

But many of us are walking through life carrying things we never chose to experience.

And sometimes the strongest women you meet are simply the ones who learned how to survive what they never asked for.

I am writing again.

This time I want to talk about something I have carried quietly for many years.

People sometimes describe women like me as strong. Independent. An alpha female. I understand where that perception comes from, but the truth is more complicated than that.

Because sometimes strength is not something you choose.

Sometimes it is something life forces you to learn.

For a long time, I never spoke openly about the fact that I was a victim of abuse. It happened not just once, but a couple of times in my life. Each time it involved people I trusted.

That alone changes something in you.

When trust gets broken like that, it affects how you see the world. You become more guarded. You question your instincts. You wonder if you missed signs or if there was something you could have done differently.

And yet life keeps moving.

You continue studying. You work. You build things. You meet people. From the outside everything might look normal. But inside there are still pieces you are trying to understand.

Healing took time for me. It took years of reflection, difficult conversations with myself, and therapy. There were moments when I thought I had already moved past everything, only to realize that certain experiences had quietly shaped how I viewed relationships, safety, and even my own body.

There were also many nights when things would suddenly hit me again. The painful thoughts. The anger. The realization of what had happened. Trauma has a strange way of returning when you least expect it. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes when you are alone with your thoughts.

The memories do not completely disappear. They just visit less often as time goes by.

Somewhere along the way, I found something that slowly helped me heal.

Jiu Jitsu.

At first it was simply something new I wanted to try. A challenge. A sport. I did not step on the mats thinking it would help me process years of pain or rebuild parts of myself.

But somehow it did.

In Jiu Jitsu you learn very quickly what it feels like to be in uncomfortable positions. Someone stronger might be on top of you. Someone might be trying to control you. You feel pressure. Weight. The instinct to panic.

But the whole practice teaches you something important.

Do not panic.

Breathe.

Look for space.

Move step by step until you can get out.

That lesson stayed with me.

Because healing from trauma sometimes feels the same way.

There are moments when the memories make you feel trapped. Moments when the past feels heavy again. But slowly you learn how to create space. You learn how to breathe through it. You learn that the situation that once felt impossible to escape does not have to define you forever.

Jiu Jitsu also helped me reconnect with my body in a way I did not realize I needed. It reminded me that my body is capable. That it can move. That it can defend itself.

But the most meaningful moments are not about me.

They are about the women I meet along the way.

Whenever we hold self defense sessions for women, I see something familiar in the room. Nervous laughter. Hesitation. Women saying they have never done anything like this before.

And sometimes the stories slowly come out.

Someone shares that she was once followed on the street. Another talks about an uncomfortable experience in a relationship. Someone admits she has always been afraid that if something happened, she would not know what to do.

Then during the class something changes.

When they learn how to break a grip.

When they realize they can escape someone holding them down.

When they feel their own strength for the first time.

You can see it in their faces.

It is not just about the techniques.

It is about realizing they are not as powerless as they once believed.

Women’s Month often celebrates empowerment and strength. And those things matter. But I also think it is important to acknowledge that many women’s strength was shaped by things they had to survive.

Many of us did not choose to become strong.

We simply learned how to survive.

If there is one thing I hope more women learn through martial arts, through self defense, or simply through life, it is this.

Your safety matters.
Your boundaries matter.
Your voice matters.

And what happened to you does not get to decide the rest of your life.

Today I write this as a small tribute to the younger version of myself. The girl who did not fully understand what was happening but kept moving forward anyway.

If I could speak to her now I would simply say this.

None of what happened to you was your fault.

And even when you felt trapped, even when the pressure felt unbearable, you kept moving.

Jiu Jitsu taught me that when someone is on top of you and it feels like there is no way out, the answer is not to panic.

You breathe.

You create space.

You move.

Little by little you get out.

Healing works the same way.

And one day you realize something powerful.

You were never just surviving.

You were learning how to fight your way back to yourself.

Today, I finally open up. The healing is not finished, but I am no longer silent.